Short King Spring has been declared. Finally, a holiday for me!
What is a Short King?
A short king is a man of 5’8 and under, typically deemed to be short, as the “average” male height is 5’9.
This term picked up popularity, or at least noticed by me, following comments about Tom Holland (5’8) and his relationship with Zendaya (5’10).
The gist: Tom Holland is short, Zendaya is tall, why would a tall woman ever want to be with a short man. (Hint: He’s Spiderman.)
This brought up the inherent biases, and height-based discrimination that many of us self-proclaimed short kings, have faced through our lives.
Ask anyone who’s had the unfortunate luck to find themselves on a dating app: short guys get less matches. And this isn’t some petty complaining like, “Oh nice guys never get the girls!” this is serious, researched, truth. Check it. (“to thrive like a tall man on the dating scene, you had to be packing serious cash.”)
This is why that guy you met on Tinder who said his height was 6’2, is actually 5’11.
This term is our way of reclaiming our dignity, taking an insult, short, and turning into our strength, king.
The Life of a Short King
I am 5’8, however each time I’ve said that around my students I immediately hear, “No, you’re not! I’m 5’8, and I’m way taller than you!”
I teach middle school, which you would think would let me feel at least a little tall. But I don’t. By 8th grade, most boys are already taller than me. Hell, even some of the 6th and 7th graders are taller than me. This is part of what’s kept me in middle school instead of high school, the two years I taught high school I found it hard to be authoritative while craning my neck to discipline students, (it didn’t help that they’d be sitting and I’d be standing.)
Most of my friends are taller than me.
There was a brief period when I was 14 and 5’6, I was taller than many of my friends, then they went through puberty, became 6’2 beefcakes, and I slowly grew just 2 more sad little inches.
I never felt like a king. Ask anyone who has a lot of tall friends, “What does it feel like to stand in the middle of your friends?” The answer: Short. Small. Like a child, afraid of being bounced on a friend’s knee and read a bedtime story (actually, that sounds pretty great.)
This is why there’s the Napoleon Complex, when short men try to act big, extra masculine, needlessly aggressive and angry. Short men feel the need to compensate for their shortcomings (I am so sorry).
I, however, am extremely Non-Napoleonic. I generally have a very slow temper, am increasingly patient and compassionate (blame my daughter for this), and I have never once tried to invade Russia in the Winter.
But that doesn’t mean I love being short, apart from the generally longer life expectancy. I am sometimes self-conscious of my height, but only when I’m with unnecessarily tall individuals. And sometimes it does feel harder to be taken seriously when you’re shorter than your students.
It’s great for Tom Holland and all, but I’m not Spiderman, no matter how often I try to be. I don’t have thick stacks of cash, incredible musical skills, I’m not notable in any particularly special way, I am just a short, furry, chubby, dude with glasses. I am a slightly taller Ewok, and I’m ok with this, usually.
Dad Bod Short King Spring?
Remember when all those “studies” came out saying that the dad bod was the most desirable body type for men? They used pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio to prove it, like, “See, Leo is chubby now and still dates 20 year old super models! This must be the best body type ever!”
The year was 2015. Finally, my bod would be THE beach bod. All of my friends had wasted their time at the gym, crafting their six packs to Adonis-like perfection, but it would be me who drew the eyes, the attention of the beach babes.
“Ooh, baby, that man looks cuddly and warm. I wanna snuggle up in that!”
- All the Ladies Upon Seeing Me
Turned out, this was a lie. No one cared that I looked comfy, or cuddly, no woman cared that I could bounce a baby on my buxom belly. The year of the Dad Bod had let me down. You can’t blame me for feeling jaded.
That brings us to Short King Spring. Is this going to be just another empty consolation price to us genetically unfortunate individuals? Should I get doubly ogled for being both a short king and a dad bod? The answer to both of these question is invariably, yes.
The Problem With Body Positivity
I am all for body positivity, but sometimes, when you are the subject of the body positivity, it feels patronizing. Why should MY body be the one we need to “celebrate”? It’s because my body isn’t the one that “most people” particularly want. It’s like you have all the tall, skinny, blonde, pretty people nudging themselves, winking like, “Hey, look what we convinced these trolls to believe about themselves!” Guffaws abound.
Do some people find short chubby guys attractive? Absolutely, they do, (I have the daughter to prove it.) And sure, it’s nice to be noticed, I guess? But it’s kinda like teacher appreciation day — the only reason it exists is because teachers generally are not appreciated, or adequately paid. (Career Tip: Don’t get a job with an appreciation day.)
Short King Spring is the teacher appreciation day for short guys. It’s the acknowledgement that we are not acknowledged, that we are “under-paid”. It’s not a solution, no one’s coming together to decide they will make a conscious effort to become more attracted to short dudes. I’m not even getting any Starbucks gift cards. And honestly, that’s fine!
No one should be told who to be attracted to! No one should feel bad for who they are or are not attracted to. Is it shallow to say, “No one under 6’2” on your dating profile? Yeah. Do I care? No. Are men guilty of this too? Duh. People are complex, different, each with their own desires and interests, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t attracted to short, chubby guys anyway. Might I have a different tone if I was still a single dude? Yeah, probably, but such is life.
I appreciate the thought behind Short King Spring, really I do, I’m sure it has all the positive intentions behind it, but I don’t need it. I don’t mind being called a short king, you do you, boo boo. But I’m a short king because I carry myself with respect and dignity, I don’t let being short stop me from living and enjoying my own life. Calling every man under 5’9 a king, just for the virtue of being under 5’9, is like patting a child on the head and saying, “Oh, look at this little king!” Seriously, try that, go up to some random short guy, pat them on the head, and say “Aww, look at this little king.” You think he’s going to feel “honored” by that?
Anyway, it’s Short King Spring. Cool. I’m sure it’ll be filed later along with Dad Bod Summer, and the likely soon to be Four-Eyed Fall, and Wide-Waisted Winter. A man can dream.
And for your viewing pleasure, here is a visualization of what I pictured when I first heard Short King Spring. Enjoy.
I honestly never truly considered my height disadvantage with my friends until college. At parties, walking around, etc. I am not sure if it’s a Short King thing or not, but all my buddies have super long strides when they walk, I don’t.. lol! I do walk fast at times but my stride is less than a 6ft plus mammoth dude . Additionally, thanks for honestly pointing out that being short is a factor of many things in life other than just weight. I’ve always looked at my self more or less as having trouble with dating before Courtney and such was being a chubby. I was so self conscious about my weight in high school, which I regret because I let it hindered me from exploring new social groups other than just surface level conversation. I am 5 ft 8.5 inches, but one of my legs is 5/8 of an inch shorter so consider us nearly the same height 🤣
Additionally, consider Short King officially apart of my vocabulary, I haven’t heard that term till today 🤣🤣- Bobby