Manly Manliness and Other Manly Things
I am not a manly man.
I mean, kinda, but not really.
The first thing you see of me, typically, is a pretty big beard. That’s pretty manly, you’d say. But what if I told you that I only have this beard because I hate shaving, and I look fat without a beard, so it’s more like facial hair out of necessity.
Such is life.
What Does it Mean to be Manly?
Odds are you’d get different definitions depending on who you ask.
I have been told by many people of certain ages that MASCULINITY IS UNDER ATTACK! Or, THERE ARE NO REAL MEN ANYMORE!
This hysteria, to put it simply, is hysterical.
If we go by the traditional definitions of manliness, I would be the least manly person there is.
Let me explain.
I am a teacher - that’s a woman’s profession!
I am not the breadwinner - and I’m ok with this!
I know nothing about cars.
I am shit with a hammer, unless the goal is to break something.
When I work out I often write poetry in between sets on my phone. - In this way I balance a manly act with a very unmanly act.
The only sport I pay any attention to is football.
I don’t wear a dress, but I’m also not offended when guys do. Also if I had the legs to pull it off, I just might try it out.
I write for the joy of it, but also wouldn’t dislike making money from it, just saying…
I enjoy reading.
I don’t own any guns, and generally dislike violence.
I go to therapy.
The Mythical Assault on Manliness!
Guys, no one is going to come and cut off your penis. I don’t know where this fear came from, and why it’s so prevalent right now, but it’s bullshit. Just because Harry Styles is wearing a dress doesn’t mean we all have to wear dresses. (However, ladies, I bet if men did suddenly start wearing dresses every dress would suddenly get pockets. You’re welcome!)
We define manliness by what we have been told is manly. We must work with our hands, and toil the soil! We must repair cars with our laser eyes of manliness! We must be burly, stoic, silent, and strong! No emotions allowed! Why would anyone ever want anything else?
We hear the term “toxic masculinity” and suddenly we believe that our masculinity itself is what’s toxic. It’s not. It’s the belief that in order to be manly or masculine we must forgo anything that would make us soft, or kind, or compassionate, creative, intelligent, or open to new experiences. I might be overly generalizing, but at the same time this exists…
Toxic Masculinity
Masculinity is not under attack. Stupid masculinity is under attack. — Not even under attack, under critique, under review, being observed passively with some sidelong glances.
I’m not worried. No one is forcefully shaving my beard, trust me, you don’t want to see what’s underneath.
There is nothing toxic about liking sports - but there is something toxic about rioting after your team loses (or in Philly’s case win or lose.)
There is nothing toxic about being the breadwinner - but there is something toxic about the “rise and grind” obsessive culture that puts money on the forefront of everything.
Toxic masculinity is the obsession with weakness. It is the obsession of avoiding any perception of weakness. It is fear. It is the fear of being perceived as weak. It’s making sure that if you ever use anything that makes you soft, or feminine, that it has to say ‘FOR MEN!’ on the front.
Toxic masculinity is the belief that to ask for help is to admit weakness. It’s why so few men go to therapy. Toxic masculinity is the reason why men commit suicide at higher rates than women, we would rather die than admit our own weaknesses.
Toxic masculinity is insecurity. It is being insecure with who we are, how we feel, and how we think. It is being concerned more with how we are perceived than being comfortable with who we are.
You can’t be happy if you’re too busy being obsessed with the thoughts of others.
So, What Does it Mean to be Manly?
A couple weeks ago I asked my students if I’m cool. They said yes. (Bless their hearts.) I asked them if I wear cool clothes, they said no. I asked them if I knew all the cool music, they said no. I asked them if I’m on top of all the trends, they said no. So what makes me cool? They looked around, not quite sure. I asked them, “Do I worry everyday about being cool?” They said no. I asked them, “Do you think I care if you think I’m cool?” They said no.
So why am I cool? I’m up there talking about how cool irrigation is, to an outside observer I’m raving like a lunatic. I’m going on tangents about Star Wars. I do not care one bit if I’m cool or not. The reason why my students think I’m cool, is because I’m comfortable, I’m confident, I’m secure in myself. I know who I am. I am a burley bearded nerdy dude with giant glasses. I’m cool with that.
I’m not trying to be anything I’m not.
Maybe what makes someone manly is the same thing that makes me cool — being confident, being secure, being comfortable with who you are.
Maybe the fact that I am a nerdy, burly bearded guy who enjoys reading and writing, who goes to therapy, and geeks out over random historical stories — and that I’m cool with that — is what makes me manly. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m secure with my manliness, I don’t need to fix cars with my laser eyes of manliness. I don’t need to prove my manliness to anyone.
Maybe if we give permission to men to feel comfortable enough to admit weakness, ask for help, they’ll grow in their own comfort of themselves. Maybe that’ll be how we define manliness.
Being a man can mean that we are secure with who we are. We can admit our weaknesses, while cherishing our strengths. We can embrace traits that make us “soft” like compassion and kindness and knowledge. We can acknowledge that no man is an island, and it’s ok to ask for help.
Maybe we’ll be able to finally admit that smelling like lavender is far nicer than smelling like tobacco or motor oil.
Maybe when someone tells you to, “Be a man!” it’ll mean, “Hey man, it’s ok if you’re not feeling ok, I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
I can dream.
Now for your manly consideration, I present to you: The Lumberjack Song.